Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
