had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Randomize
