Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
