he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
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