hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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