I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Randomize
