If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
Randomize
