Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
True strength comes from lack of pants
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
