my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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