I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
