This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
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Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
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he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.