so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
