My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
