I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Randomize
