I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
