is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
