this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
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