At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
