You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
Randomize
