My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
She told me I should be a condom model.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
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