Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
