I can't watch pbs sober anymore
If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
