i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
