I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
grandma shit on top of the toilet
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
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