I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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