if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Randomize
