Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
