Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
