i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
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