i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Randomize
