If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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