Jerry, you need to find god
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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