The brown eye won't let me do that either.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
