my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Randomize
