How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Randomize
