I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Randomize
