last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
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