This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
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