did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Randomize
