thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
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