You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
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