The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
