I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
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