He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
