oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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