i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
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