I wish I could punch you in the face.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Randomize
