Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize