So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Randomize
