i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
