Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
