I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
its liver damage thursday
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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