Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
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