I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Randomize
