I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Randomize
