It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
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