oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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