So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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