im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
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