Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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