Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
