If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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