Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
that is very illegal...i love you.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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