I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
