look no pants
I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Randomize
