finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
party gras won. party gras always wins.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Randomize
