On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Randomize
