please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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