Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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